the mummy rises again

quick update:

crewing for terminal last week was a blast. i enjoyed the show, was totally impressed by the cast’s ability to handle strange, physically (and perhaps emotionally) taxing work, and had fun working on a play for the first time in about two years.

i was a mummy for halloween. my makeup was pretty fabulous – to my dismay, i think i managed to make myself look pretty unappealingly dead (e.g. not cute at all!) and though my bandages unravelled almost instantly, in spite of the efforts of my fabulous classmate/partner-in-crime, katie, it was a nice, hilarious metaphor for a whiskey-and-campfire warmed night among friends.

tomorrow i teach my drama research class about copy editing and proofreading. unassisted. no prof in the room. this terrifies me, as it’ll be my first time teaching in this way. but it’s a great opportunity, and if there’s anything i know pretty well, it’s editing.

i’m still waiting to hear on a spring teaching assistantship, but it sounds like it’s down to a logistical/waiting game at this point. so that’s heartening.

i’m planning to submit my final paper for my research course to a conference that runs in dallas in january. apparently it’s a good place to get one’s feet wet as far as reading a conference paper goes, since they have a ‘debut’ competition for student researchers (i’ll call myself a researcher rather than a scholar because i think scholar just sounds so…dorky). i assume probably a few classmates will go, and we’ll spend a weekend in dallas. i mean, when the heck else am i gonna go to dallas?

i’m also going to submit an abstract of the paper i’m writing for my contemporary world drama course to another conference – this is a longer shot, but i figure i might as well try, and if i’m accepted, it’ll be my first (and again, probably only) reason to visit another midwestern state.

i’m planning to be in england for a month this summer, doing coursework and research in modern british drama, and hopefully visiting friends in dublin and london.

lastly, i’m going to apply to intern at my very favorite repertory theater on the planet, so i can spend early summer in boston. failing that, i’m going to try to get a potential directing job offered by a friend set in stone (in which case i’d be on a certain island in maine…man, that sounds like bliss). yeah, that means i’ll potentially be away from austin for three months. i kinda need that.

another of my fantastic friends responded to my recent whinge: ‘i want to find a couch to sleep on so i can spend a week in marfa, writing and riding my bike around’ with an offer to try to match me up with one of his two friends who live out that way. which was a sweet thing to offer, and it reminded me that i am, in fact, very lucky.

p.s. have you ever seen repulsion by roman polanski? am i crazy for thinking this movie is…feminist? i would post the trailer, but…it gives everything away. this movie is brilliant. and with that, good night.

things i thought while driving

Today, as I raced to San Marcos, a bit late for my first class, rain coming down as it often has in Austin this fall, I saw a truck with one of those circular ‘city abbreviation’ stickers. You know what i’m talking about…

As far as I know, the OBX (Outer Banks, North Carolina) one is the original – it’s the first I can recall, for sure.

The sticker stuck to this pickup truck in front of me read:

Pf

That’s all, just Pf. which stands for Pflugerville, I assume.

Now, I thought the point of this sort of sticker was to brag about your chic vacation spot. Hence OBX, MV (Martha’s Vineyard), etc. Or to brag that you live in a swishy, WASPy town like Duxbury (DUX, natch). Then everybody decided to get one. And fine, sure, I get it. Everybody likes to feel like their little corner of the world is a special luxury, even if it’s just a small exurb east of I-35 (the most stressful highway outside California or New York). But Pf? Really? Did the person who created this sticker realize they were about to associate their town with a limp exhalation of breath? Damn, son, add a t to the end and you’ve got yourself a classic CAT FART.

Anyway, the second thing I noticed, as I raced down the road, was that I’m turning into my father. I’d made a full French Press of coffee this morning, and I hadn’t drunk the second cup by the time I had to leave. But as I reached for a travel mug, I ran into a dilemma. For some reason, the cabinet contained a handful of travel mugs that seemed to have a suspect, sticky residue lining the inside (who returns a travel mug to the cabinet unwashed? I have no idea) and the last two travel mugs were clean, but had no covers. So I poured my final cup of liquid crack and walked out the door. I set one of the clean-but-uncovered travel mugs in my car. And as I struggled to make it fit in a cup holder (awkward handle), nervously gauging how much I should drink in order to avoid suffering from coffee lap after braking too hard, I remembered mornings before school with my dad.

Until June 2008, my dad was the manager of a hardware store. Switching companies and locations occasionally, this was dad’s life. He’s had Wednesdays off as long as I can remember, and every other Sunday. He loves coffee, as I do. For some reason (not for lack of 5 bucks), my dad never had a travel mug. Ever. Throughout my childhood, I remember him leaving the house with a mug of coffee. A household mug. The kind of container meant for the breakfast table, or the couch. Not really meant to hover next to the gearshift in a manual transmission Ford Escort. Sometimes I’d get a ride to school, and the floor of the passenger seat would be littered with coffee mugs, the air smelling of old coffee.

Since I was born, my dad hasn’t had a cigarette or an alcoholic drink, as far as I know. But he loves coffee, and he would drive to work this way every day. Eventually, he ran a hardware store next to a Dunkin’ Donuts, so he started passing through the drive-through. But that was when I was in high school. I just remember being a little kid – backpack age – and watching that precarious coffee cup as we listened to the classic rock station in the morning. And I guess it struck me that my dad was a little bit rushed – he had a lot to do, taking care of three daughters and dealing with people all day. I guess my life feels the same way right now – rushed, hectic, long days – and I hope it makes him proud to see me doing things I love.

Sprechen Sie Deutsches?

I decided I wanted to study German. I love language study, but I find myself always trying to get back into it (usually attempting to brush up on my French, but occasionally dallying with Spanish, Portuguese, and Russian) and failing, because I haven’t a concrete motivation. But this time I do: I’m in grad school, and if I want to enter a PhD program in drama, I’ll need reading knowledge of at least one language beyond English. My advisor, herself a theatre history PhD, supported my decision, because apparently German is “the language of drama” – meaning that, other than English, it’s the go-to tongue for theatrical scholarship (not to mention the native language of one of my favorite playwright-theorists, Bertolt Brecht).

That said, Texas State does not offer a German for Reading/Translation course at the graduate level. And since I’m going to be on campus five days a week next semester, I decided to turn to my friend Niki. Niki works for a German language and cultural institute, and has been studying German for more than fifteen years. She’s the most fluent non-native German speaker I know. I’d been considering taking a distance language course through her employer, but she recommended I just pick up copies of some of the books they use for reading/translation courses. So I did. I’m sitting with a copy of German for Reading Knowledge right now.

Once nice thing about self-study, other than the fact that I can obviously set my own pace, is that I can take the time to look up every last thing that confuses me. I’m a pretty good writer, but I admit that I’m not very good at talking about grammar. I know why things are the way they are, in English, but the second I cracked this book and saw the word “case,” I drew a blank. Aside from turning to good ol’ Wikipedia (while useless for some research, it’s a fantastic source of relatively detailed general knowledge info like this), I found an amazing, new-to-me Web site: Forvo. This site contains audio files of “every word, in every language” – or, at least, that’s what they’re working towards. And major languages, like German, are really well covered. So I can satisfy my need to learn to read in German, while also fulfilling my desire to speak German well enough to get by. So cool!

Now to go read up on “synthetic language.”

every day

this past month, every day has been some sort of weird adventure. i was offered a really interesting opportunity at school today. i can’t discuss it here until i’m sure i’ll be doing it, but for now i’ll just say it was utterly unexpected, and it would neatly bridge the work i’m about to leave with the work i’ve just begun.

school has been so interesting. we’re wrapping up the ninth week of the fall semester, and it astonishes me to consider everything i’ve learned about myself. of everything i’ve tried for since september 1, only one thing has turned me down (i never heard from the new director’s thing – but after all, i was late with my application, and i have absolutely no directing credits on my resume). other than that, stuff just keeps popping up left and right. i’m doing really well in school, i feel like i’m forming good friend/colleague relationships with other grad students, and i haven’t been forced to utterly abandon my friends. my directing course has been a huge challenge – a blind leap into unfamiliar territory. but it has gone alright, and i’m learning new things, building upon each rehearsal, starting to shape a rehearsal style, if not a directorial vision. i feel excited enough about this that i decided to sign on for the spring directing styles course.

i’m having success with my drama research course – i’ve always been a good researcher, and a decent writer, but it has been so long since i’ve had to do any formal writing that i worried i’d fail. but quite the opposite – i think i have a strong topic for my final paper, and i’m getting positive feedback from my prof. after spending the past few years in a frustrating corporate job, where my ideas and opinions have no audience beyond my direct supervisor, it’s nice to feel confident and intelligent in front of peers and mentors alike. i feel like this is where i want to be – studying, learning, preparing for the next step.

and gosh, have i mentioned how much i love reading plays? i feel like i haven’t read enough, you know? so taking a contemporary drama course is like eating a great meal – nourishing, fulfilling, comforting, but also fascinating. i wrap my mind around the stories people have tried to convey via the stage.

stupid as this might sound, especially if you, reader, are a friend – it’s like i woke up from a fog and remembered i was intelligent and excited and ready. i’m 28, and i’m not going to bother wondering whether i’ve wasted time, because i’m doing it now – that’s what matters.

there are lots of potentials in the works, and i shouldn’t discuss them yet…but expect interesting developments in the next few weeks. not to mention the fact that i am this close to pitching a whole weekend out the window and just driving myself to marfa with my roommate or something. i mean, why not, right? don’t remind me about my daunting to-do list, thanks. good thing i’m saving my nyc/boston(/maine?) trip for winter break.

weddings and things

i went to a killer wedding this weekend. it lifted my spirits for a zillion reasons. the first being that dear danielle was in town. it still amazes me to consider my friends, like, to really look at our relationships. i remember meeting danielle in a totally bizarre manner. ny, who i replaced as a member of the VKs back in 2004, knew that i was sewing a lot at the time and sent her friend my way. that friend was danielle, and she was looking for the perfect skirt (corduroy or denim, i think). i didn’t end up making anything for her, and it wasn’t until late 2007 that we really became friends. we had a hilarious run of girlfriend bonding over various foolish dating attempts – i met a sweet-but-so-utterly-wrong-for-me guy at a little christmastime brunch at her house (gretchen will remember a particular point-and-laugh moment regarding this person). we roadtripped to austin for sxsw 2008, she in pursuit of her occasionally elusive paramour, i in pursuit of frigging anything that got me out of boston in march. she taught me to drive a stick and tolerated my whining in the cold. we listened to coast-to-coast with art bell, and lots of beatles songs, and i think we listened to ‘wagon wheel’ by old crow medicine show a dozen times. 2,000 miles in two days – my first adventure post-breakup with james the previous june. and here she was this weekend, two years later, giving me the biggest hug when i needed it most, in line with friends to see ‘where the wild things are.’ it’s funny how, from a distance, it becomes clear that friends can totally irritate each other and still be perfectly matched (i say this not about danielle, but about friendships in general – i generally assume that there are PLENTY of annoying things about me…). i feel lucky to have some good friends. it makes me miss boston.

anyway, seeing two people who, honestly, have got to be more in love than anybody i’ve known in a while, get married, is the most wonderful thing. ryan and julie are newish friends, and i’m happy to have them. and i love unexpectedly finding common interests with new people. and cake. and dancing to a pretty solid soul band. and wearing pretty dresses and killer boots. and giddy side-stories.

now, i’m back in austin, immersed in my current reality: so busy with school and my job. busting my butt to get myself in a financial position where being more student and less well-paid production manager will be less than terrifying. deciding my next move – do i go to boston, new york? CAN i? should i put in my time here a bit longer? will all this studying and writing and brain-connection-ing amount to anything at all? will running eventually feel more awesome? i should do yoga again. i miss the flexibility and the weird energy i get afterward. miss how cool-down after yoga inevitably makes me tear up, like some huge anvil has been lifted right off me. back to flying solo pretty much all the time. paring down my possessions in advance of the next inevitable move. eventually i’ll feel settled in the heart – that’s more important to me than buying a house. just finding contentment with what i have, whether that’s constant motion or a little house with a garden and a family.

at any rate. enough borderline stream-of-consciousness for one day.

this is the dress i wore to the wedding:

out of all those kinds of people
you got a face with a view
i’m just an animal looking for a home
share the same space for a minute or two
- this must be the place (naive melody) / talking heads

human nature

i was driving in the dark and rain tonight, and my mind drifted to the nature of evil. i’d just seen a horror movie – a brief distraction from homework assignments and job stresses – and was so spooked that i carefully checked the back seat of my car before turning the key in the ignition. i was reminded that horror movies have roots in real fears, and sometimes in real violence. after all, the world has seen some truly horrific serial killers (not to mention the atrocities of war…) and while we can laugh it off most of the time, there’s always the tiniest possibility that we’re about to encounter something truly terrifying.

i’ve always had an overactive imagination – most of the time it thrills me, though occasionally i feel silly being a 28-year-old woman who is still a little nervous in the dark sometimes. mostly i love being this way – i love the ability to suspend my disbelief, to accept a work of art that, approached rationally, probably isn’t scary at all. poltergeists? get real, right? but to let go for a few hours is one of my greatest pleasures – i love feeling pure terror in a safe environment. i’ve even learned from scary moments in my real life – like the night my last car (a heap i bought off a well-meaning friend) caught on fire on the highway, as i drove alone at night (i have horrid night vision). i’d never felt so close to death – nevermind the fact that i’ve probably unknowingly been in situations that were more deadly. the feeling of being trapped alone in a small box, hurtling over 60 mph, with other fast-moving, steel objects around me, preventing me from just stopping to get out and run – it was horrifying. i really had never felt so panicked in my life, had never before had to contemplate whether it would be safer for me to tuck and roll in the middle of the freeway, or to risk spending another 45 seconds in the car while i got to a place where it’d be safer for me to get out and away. but as i watched my car’s interior go up in flames, part of me was fascinated – by the smell of burning fabric and plastic, the sight of the flames and smoke, and by my own sudden distance and safety from the situation.

then i started to think about loneliness, jealousy, anger. how these emotions can feed our goodness, or fuel our darker side. in school, i’ve encountered a few classmates who seem to dislike plays that explore the darker side of humanity – work that sometimes seems to take a purely negative attitude toward our behaviors and our fate. but i don’t see most of that work – often not realistic theater – as purely negative. i see it as an exploration of an unavoidable part of what we are as humans. and i suppose some people are either lucky enough to feel happy most of the time, or would just rather avoid the negative. but i like to know this stuff – i like to understand hurt, sadness, fear, self-doubt, jealousy, anger. hopefully a better understanding of such feelings helps me weather through them, emerge happier and more myself.

i need that understanding right now – i’ve been pretty stressed out by school and sad about the end of the relationship i’d been in for most of the year. it’s hard to manage so many demands on my mental energy and also to process my heart’s loss. i find myself being cynical and bitter – some acquaintances got engaged a few days ago, and i couldn’t muster any enthusiasm when i heard, even though later, i realized it was good news and that i was happy for them. but as overwhelming as my work has been, the big assignment i’ve worked on this past week has been pretty thrilling at times – reading the work of intelligent people is fun, when it’s something you care about. the more time i spend in school, the more i feel like i might be part of a world of scholarship and creative work. and the more i go out, live my life, push myself to exercise, and cook, and make art, the more i’m able to experience my sadness and frustration, and then to move beyond it.

i’m working on a piece that i’m hoping to be able to stage as part of a festival here this winter, and i’ve had to think very hard about the motivations behind the main characters. one is an old man, driven by a loneliness, a longing that overwhelms his desire to preserve his power and wealth. one is a young woman, pushed by fear and the desire for independence. i hope to be able to discuss it here as i get down to writing. and i hope my reading and observing on humanity’s darker nature helps inform a dark, sad, strange, but hopefully cathartic work.

that click

here’s another thing i love: telling the internet social networking site du jour that i’m headed out for a drink, unexpectedly hearing from a friend, “i’m bringing an old theater friend who you will probably think is cool,” and discovering that yes, they’re totally cool. that was my wednesday night: biking to sidebar, settling in at a small table with a whiskey and a lone star, fiddling with my next script for directing class, chatting with job-hunting boston-transplanted friends, and remembering that one of my favorite (and woefully rarely-seen) people in austin gets the whole theater thing, its silliness and also its passion. his out-of-town friend is a playwright from portland – we talked about the greeks (fuzzily, remember, there was beer involved) and about trying to push limits in a world where theater is mostly perceived as light entertainment. i need to meet more people who share my interests in cities all over – that way, when i inevitably leave austin, i’ll feel like i have places to go.

blocking in a tiny space

in the few minutes before i dash off to my final rehearsal for my first-ever directing excursion (for class), i want to think/write a little more about directing.

so, i’ve had to master a few things:

encouraging people for their good work, while nudging them toward better work (be that: learning their lines more carefully, easing up on their acting so that they seem more natural, helping them feel more comfortable and real in their character)

blocking in a way that’s effective, engaging, and clear for both actor and audience member

finding a rhythm in units, scenes, unity across the piece and across a character’s arc

so here i am, fumbling my way across all this. but it’s exciting. probably more later.

on (really amateur) directing

i led my first rehearsal last night.

for the first time ever, i’m directing for the stage. part of my first semester courseload is a stacked directing class – meaning it includes both graduate and undergraduate students. this is frustrating in part because undergraduates annoy me now that i’m closer to 30 than 25, and in part because said undergraduates are no better at directing than we grads are, but they’re acting majors, and have had a much easier time convincing actors in the theatre department (a.k.a. their friends) to participate. so my fellow grad students and i have been largely panicked for the first month of school as we struggled to find casts – often from our friend groups off-campus. somehow i managed to convince colby, micheal, and nolan to act with me, and got a classmate (in whose piece i’m acting) to fill my female role. and then i begged another classmate to fill in for colby for the first of three scenes, since colby couldn’t be available for our first performance (it’s tuesday. YIKES.)

we gathered at hancock house, domicile of three of my favorite people in austin (two of whom are, conveniently, my actors) and did a few reads. i decided to do one cold read of the script, following a brief explanation of the play and the characters’ roles, then stopped to show everybody where to mark units so i could block in sections and give them an idea of how i’ll rehearse coherent chunks of material. then we ran through each unit, stopping for notes and discussion afterward.

i feel really confident. one of the scary things about being a director is the worry that i’m pushing too much on my actors – sometimes i know exactly how i want a line to sound. i figured, these are my friends, mostly people who haven’t acted in some time, so they’ll be open to my feedback and instructions. and so far, they are – and i’ve done my best to let their personalities and styles come through, while trying to shape interactions and give them insight into their characters’ motivations.

i’m excited. yesterday was a horrible day for about 6 hours. i was nervous about a primary sources presentation i was about to give, i was terrified i wouldn’t find an actor to fill in for tuesday, and i was feeling really weepy and generally dissatisfied. school and work are so busy that i sometimes feel like the guts of life – the little moments spent with loved ones, the tiny adventures that mean so much – are passing me by. but at some point during my presentation, i started to feel like, “what i am saying makes sense, even though i didn’t feel terribly prepared.” people seemed impressed, and i started to feel relaxed. then i went to a rehearsal for the scene i’m acting in (that’s another entry altogether), and raced back up to austin for my first directing session. when it was all over, i realized: i could do this, you know? i could do this forever.

Grad Students and Debt

Do you have credit card debt? I sure do, and have, since I was 18 (sorry, Dad). There have been a few points in my adult life where I’ve allowed my credit card debt to become so large that I was actually keeping myself up at night about it – yet at the same time, I was unable to keep myself from adding to my debt. Things came to a head about three years ago – my debt was stressing me out so badly that it affected some of my relationships. I was upset because I didn’t think my boyfriend understood the seriousness of the situation (we occasionally talked about buying a house/condo someday).

More recently, I’ve gotten very serious about my debt, for two reasons. The first is that I bought a new car for the first time in my life. I’m 28, and I didn’t own any sort of car at all until 2008, when my dad and stepmom moved out of Massachusetts and were nice enough to give me my stepmom’s old car. It was a mid-90s Toyota Camry, in awesome condition, and I would still be driving it if it hadn’t been totaled while parked outside my house on New Year’s Eve. Then I bought a beater from a friend, and it caught on fire on the highway as I drove alone at night. After that trauma, I vowed to save some money for a down payment and buy a newer car. In the end, I settled on a 2009 Honda Fit. I knew I’d be driving 90 miles round trip to school, 4 days a week, this semester, and I figured I’d get something I can drive until I’m 40. I got a great interest rate through the credit union I joined when I moved to Austin, and I scraped together $2,000 for a down payment.

Of course, now I have a car loan – and that additional monthly payment was a big motivator in my decision to eliminate my credit card debt.

Then there was grad school itself. I’m going full time – and working – this semester. But my job, as much as I enjoy its challenges and good compensation, is very mentally taxing. It is a real challenge for me to juggle both, and I’ve had to sacrifice my leisure time and time for creative work in order to keep up the pace. So I’m giving one up early next year – and obviously, it’s not going to be grad school. Since I’m expecting my income to drop significantly in a few months, I know I have to get rid of as many monthly bills as possible.

I’ve been making good progress. My current job pays out a bonus in the fall, and the company had a pretty solid year, in spite of the economy, so I had an extra-large paycheck that allowed me to eliminate the smaller of my debts. Now I’m working on the big stuff, but in the past two months, I killed a full 25% of my credit card debt. Let’s not talk about school loans and the car loan – making progress on the most stressful, high-interest debt I carry is helping me sleep better at night. And it feels like a milestone of adulthood, too – financial responsibility? I think that’s more important than having significant wealth.

The weird thing about credit cards right now is that it’s a suffering part of the financial industry – the behavior of credit card companies is wackier than ever. I just paid off the card I’ve had longest – a Discover Card I’ve had for ten years. I’ve never missed a payment. In fact, I’ve only missed one credit card payment in general, in ten years – and that was when I was 18. Yet the moment I paid off this card, they cut my credit limit 90%. Who knows why? I’m a responsible debtor and yet I feel punished. All the more reason to stop carrying balances with these companies, I say.

Maybe next time, I’ll talk about something fun, eh?